Day 139

[from Striker Man]

"Well, this is going to make retrieving the treasure a whole lot more difficult," remarked Striker Man, looking up at the ghostly figure hovering above them.

"The treasure?" repeated Faruk, amused. "Ha! You can take it! Riches will mean nothing once I rule this world once more!"

"Wait, really?" said Striker Man. "You don't care about all this treasure?"

"Of course not!" said Faruk. "Who needs gold and diamonds when you rule the whole world? I just had these trinkets put in my tomb in order to lure adventurers like you here, so that one day I would finally be released to- are you listening?"

Striker Man was not listening. Instead, he was greedily stuffing as much gold into his arms as he could carry. "Something about world domination, whatever, don't care," said Striker Man. "You did bring a bag for all this gold, didn't you, Genius?"

"It's The Genius," said The Genius, opening her suitcase to retrieve a large burlap sack. "And sincerely, I am perturbed by the abrupt manifestation of this maleficent apparition."

"I don't see any Disney villains anywhere," said Striker Man, looking over his shoulder.

"No, I mean, should we not be concerned about that floating figure talking about taking over the world?" asked The Genius.

"Who cares?" said Striker Man. "We're rich!"

"You are mindful that this work requires some level of narrative conflict, are you not?" asked The Genius. "Stuporwoman, are you eating the treasure?!"

"It tastes like Switzerland," said Stuporwoman, before burping up a six of diamonds that now had six actual diamonds embedded in it.

"I thought narrative conflict meant arguing with the narrator," said Striker Man. No, Striker Man, it doesn't. "Yeah, like that," said Striker Man. No, Striker Man, you can't make a plot around arguing with the narrator. "But-" Yes, I know, Looney Tunes already did it, but- "Wait, how did you know what I was going to say?" Because I'm the narrator. "I thought you were making it up as you went along?"

"Who is he talking to?" asked Faruk, as me and Striker Man continued to argue.

"Striker Man and I," corrected Striker Man, just before a portion of the ceiling collapsed on him. "Hey, you did that on purpose!"

"Ignore him," said The Genius. "He and my other colleague both have serious cognitive deficiencies." She waved a hand at Stuporwoman, who was gnawing on a particularly large ruby and seemed confused as to why she couldn't bite it in half.

"Serious cognitive what?" repeated Faruk.

"Basically, they're both idiots," said The Genius.

"I see," said Faruk. "So, are you three going to oppose my new world order, or not?"

"We will oppose," said The Genius.

"Really, I'm not that fussed," said Striker Man.

"Will there be squirrels in the new world order?" asked Stuporwoman.

"Of course not," said Faruk. "There is no place in my new world order for mere lower life forms."

"Then I propose!" said Stuporwoman.

"Oppose," corrected The Genius.

"No," said Stuporwoman, looking confused. "I wanna fight him, not marry him."

"Well, I guess I'm outvoted, then," said Striker Man. "Fighting it is. We're still stealing the treasure, though, right?"

"Of course," said The Genius.

"In that case," said Faruk, "you will all perish here!"

Faruk raised his hand, and began to fire purple bolts of energy at the three adventurers. Of course, none of them hit, because there wouldn't be a story if they all just suddenly died. Taking advantage of this, Striker Man began shovelling as much treasure as he possibly could into the sack. "We'd better get out of here quickly," he said. "We can always come back for the rest later."

"Excellent idea," said The Genius. "Let us depart for now, and recrudesce subsequently."

"I thought we were leaving and coming back later?" said Striker Man.

"We are!" said The Genius! "Come on, Stuporwoman, stop eating. You will get a stomach ache."

 "No I won't," said Stuporwoman, before swallowing an entire gold bar.

***

"Ohhh… stomach hurts…"

As the trio sprinted back out of the pyramid, Striker Man carrying a heaving sack of treasure on his shoulder, Stuporwoman suddenly doubled over, clutching her abdomen.

"I told you not to eat all that treasure!" said The Genius.

"How can she even get stomach ache when we don't have stomachs?" asked Striker Man.

"That doesn't matter now," said The Genius. "We must egress post-haste. Fortunately, I came prepared as always." Reaching into her briefcase, The Genius pulled out a helicopter - yes, an actual full-sized helicopter - and set it down on the ground. The three clambered inside, shutting the door just as an energy bolt from Faruk ricocheted off the hull. The evil spirit had now caught up with them.

"Do you know how to fly this thing, The Genius?" asked Striker Man.

"Of course I do!" said The Genius. "Would I have brought a helicopter unless I knew how to fly one?"

The helicopter's rotors began to spin, gradually picking up speed until the machine lifted off from the ground. Faruk, who had never seen such a contraption before, merely looked on in surprise, allowing the trio to fly away unscathed. "Phew, that was close," said Striker Man. "Now then, how much money do you think all this treasure is worth?"

"I thought we were prioritizing the defeat of that evil pharaoh?" asked The Genius.

"I know, I'm just asking," said Striker Man.

"I think it's thiiiis many!" said Stuporwoman, holding her arms a little way apart.

"That's not much," said Striker Man. "Also, aren't you still sick?"

"Oh yeah," said Stuporwoman, before clutching her abdomen and moaning.

"I think first we should get her to a hospital, to get those jewels out of her," said The Genius. "Then we should plan some kind of counterattack."

"Sure, but can we do that later?" asked Striker Man. "The writer's hands are starting to hurt. What a wimp." And then the helicopter blew up. "Wait, what?" Just kidding.